Berlin Day Zero

Klaus Zynski Invades Europe, Part 2

I have located Das Phonkybeats and a large beer within six hours of my arrival in the German capital. I am writing besides the River Spree at a combination biergarten and pizza place.

I am alone. Liz is asleep, battling jet lag anxiety and the fallout from the first major catastrophe of the trip. Our short flight to Berlin after a layover in Copenhagen has claimed her Owala water bottle. The bottle is somewhat insignificant in comparison to the various stickers which adorned it, mostly artist’s alley purchases from last year's Otakon, not easily replaced. The first and most brutal lesson of travel presents itself right on cue. Bring nothing which you are unprepared to lose. As Kurt Jr. put it; so it goes. The somewhat lax European attitude towards customer service added a second morale blow. Farewell, water bottle.

The fuckers stole my table. Can you believe that? I stopped to go for a beer and they stole my table. It’s fine, I’m fine, I found a new table where I can scribble antisocially and its closer to the DJ, who is actually rather good. He’s bald like a food youtuber and I think I could whip his ass in a fight but there’s a beefy guy in a tucked stretchy t-shirt next to him. Boyfriend? Bodyguard? Por que no los dos? They just took a selfie so they’re at least homies. Good for them, I say.

Not much to report from hours one through six. The expected train confusion sent us on the scenic route through the Berlin suburbs. The first things you see in a new country are always photogenic even if they remind you of La Haine. Kept seeing graffiti and stickers making it clear I was in the red side of town, FC Union Berlin country. It’s interesting how much cultural geography an 800 hour Football Manager save can cue you into. I managed Union Berlin, won everything there was to win with Die Union. That was COVID for me, I could have a novel published by now if I’d been a bit smarter with my time.

Union were the team of organized labor in the old East German league, the people’s team, I liked that. They'd nearly gone bankrupt after the leagues merged (not a rare fate for former DDR league teams), paid for stadium renovations with a fan blood drive.

Christ I just locked eyes with the dog they have walking around this place and I think we reached a mutual understanding. I can’t talk to any of these people either bro. Handsome dog, too, wolfish.

So Union used to play the Berlin Derby with Dynamo Berlin, the team of the army in theory but in actuality the team of the Stasi. They’d cheat, rig the league, intimidate its best players into signing with Dynamo. Union Berlin are the only team from that now defunct league to play in the Bundesliga. Dynamo are basically just a nonentity in German soccer.

There was a hockey game in the neighborhood we’re staying in, I saw the fans out white taking a lap of the area, I always do that in a new place.

THE FUCKING PIGS JUST ROLLED UP TO TELL MY MAN TO TURN DOWN DAS PHONKYBEATS AND THEN THEY TURNED IT UP AGAIN AS THEY WERE WALKING OUT HELL YEAH.

Fuck! Another beer, another attempt to find my train of thought.

I like hockey, even though it’s broken my heart so many times. It’s the kind of thing that makes me feel at home in a new place. Whatever the energy in DC, the Caps always draw. This is doubly true in 2025 with Ovechkin’s record charge. Despite the foreign tongues I feel at home among sweaters and scarves (sports scarves are a great idea btw, American sports should adopt them more broadly than they have).

En route to this spot I passed the Eisbaren Berlin team store and considered buying something. Then I saw the Dynamo Berlin crest on the hem of one of the uniforms and decided against it. I’m sure the modern SportKlub Dynamo are a very different entity but I dunno if I care. European sports teams have loaded politics and I can’t be accountable for them to people that understand them more than me. As always, don’t yell at me.

I suspect awkward distances from the past will be a running theme in this town.

The wind is cool off the Spree and I think I’m sitting next to a first date (lesbian) taking place next to me. I have escaped America. My as-of-yet unseen hostel roommate has a leather singlet in the closet. To be continued.